I have thought long and hard about bearing my inadequacies to a public audience but since ThinkMike exposed my ‘short comings’, I felt it necessary to elaborate on the details. So here goes…
De Wildt….. Every hot blooded, true adventure rider worth their salt, dreams of one day conquering the untouchable beauty called De Wildt. Beauty, not in the sense of pure aesthetics, but beauty in the sense of her voluptuous curves and furry mounds, slippery crevasses that glisten in the morning sun and her sacred yet approachable gems. An allure of excitement grows with the challenge that lies ahead.
It is with this indelibly etched backdrop that I slip into something a lot more comfortable (than my fellow riders that braved the 100km bike ride in freezing temperatures) in search of the golden spot. My Land Rover purrs as she trailers my ‘heavy metal’ to De Wildt. I glance at my pinging dash as it reads -2.5 degrees Celsius. Is this a sign that De Wildt is actually a frigid lay or would I have to work hard to turn this beast on? I can’t seem to think clearly as the blood keeps draining from my brain with the thoughts of sweating it out on the terrain that was to come. It didn’t help much either with the sounds of Bad Company’s - ‘I feel like making love’ bellowing out of the Harman Kardon speakers of my Landy.
I arrive at the Wimpy near Hartebeespoort Dam, shivering like 15 year old schoolboy from a ‘boys only’ private school on his first date with hottest babe on this planet. Lightning 1, Jules, Doublediamond, Prostone, and the Doc roll in and promptly peel themselves off their heavy metals - FROZEN. We slide into the comforts of the restaurant for some foreplay. Let’s be honest, Wimpy coffee must be the best aphrodisiac ever made. Not even ThinkMike was aware that he was whispering sweet nothings into his Wimpy mega coffee mug. This only makes me want to get out and get stuck in NOW. Relax I say, all good thing come to those who wait, besides, isn’t foreplay supposed to take time?
I follow the WD’s from the Wimpy to the parking lot of my Quest. I park the Landy and before I have even switched off the engine, Sipho (my personal mechanic and pit crew chief) is offloading my KTM 640. All I can think of is my 640’s hot steamy engine roaring through the hot spots of De Wildt, exploring every new square inch in the search of the ultimate quiver of satisfaction. I want her and I want her NOW.
Lightning1 putts over to my car to see how I am getting on. I have 1 boot on, and just about to slide into my other boot when I think that it is a good idea to get my bike started and warm her up for what is going to be the most orgasmic trip of her life.
Cold shivers suddenly rush down my spine, my libido drops like a lead ball in a pool. I cup my hands over my face and scream “Ahh *&%$”. Lightning1 gawks at me with a confused look and asks if I have left my helmet at home. “No” I say, “worse, [size=10pt]my key[/size]!!!!!!”
I don’t know who loaded my bike back on the trailer but all I remember thinking (as I limped home, red mist still blocking my vision, listening to The Layabouts; Cruel Cruel World), [size=10pt][size=10pt]……………………….never forget the key to the chastity belt.[/size][/size]
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