Kaokoland: I was tired of reading about it!!!

[stroke her]

Spirits lifted I proceed into the desert.

I trundle along replaying the rhino encounter...I still could not believe my luck.

The track snaked on changing texture, colour and feel. Terrain gets more mountainous and I stop for a lunch break of peanuts and an energy bar.

By now I was feeling a little beat up and battered. It was effing hot.

I scratch around in my handlebar bar...forgot about these. I soothe my mood with the Wilson toffees.

Although I appreciated them I was really craving a ciggie.

 

[stroke her]

I push on...

As I come through some foothills I spot a green oasis with some cottages.

I consider taking a drive up but as my track pass south of the campsite looking spot I see it looks very deserted.

I spot one person at the one chalet type structure...a white man. No wave...mmm. must be some type of a larney lodge or private camp it thought.

Fuckit....the nicotine monster needs feeding.

No as all smokers know...a bike trip runs on a few essentials, cigarettes being numero uno on the list.

My personal circus runs on the following, in order of importance:

1. Cigarettes
2. Coffee
3. Fuel
4. Water

All of the above I had in surplus...except numero uno.

As some here that have been on bike trips with me will attest...one the ciggies runs out I tend to become a homing pigeon for the first available cigarette vendor.

And for those that know Brandberg area knows...Uis and/or White Lady was the closest candidates.

Arriving at the Ugab riverbed I reach my overnight stop, the Rhino Trust Camp.

Relieved I knock on the door at reception. I enter...not a sound. No one...

I exit and have a look around...the pace looks a bit desolate. No shade.

Visions of Mad Max Fury Road flash before me....the nicotine monster hard at work: "Feed me Seymour!"

I notice a rope across the road with a hut on the southern side of the camp where the road exits.

A man exits the hut and approaches me with a clipboard in his hand.

He appears a bit weather worn...his Rhino Camp shirt has seen better days.

I enquire if there is food or cooldrinks or ciggies available.

"Nee jammer meneer"

Now camping in the Ugab river sounded like a swell idea during the planning phase...but standing here on the Mad Max Namibia film set with the nicotine monster making itself heard at any opportunity I give it...I started having my reservations.

A quick decision followed. Bugger it...its only another 160km or so to White Lady along my planned track south of Brandberg.

I will skip Ugab camp and ride tomorrows leg this afternoon. Steak dinner and ciggies at White Lady tonight boyo...you have earned it!!

Baby Ten raised an eyebrow: "Jy my nie genoeg gemartel vandag nie?!"

I did not hear Baby Ten over the din of the nicotine monster...

I pressed on in earnest.

I noticed on my GPS that my track goes onto a 4 x 4 section that runs very close to the D2342.

Mmmm...D road close to Brandberg. Surely I would be able to cover distance quicker on this than the 4 x 4 trail?

I altered my route to interect the D2342 as soon as possible.

Did I mention it was hot?

 

[Offroadrider]

What a ride!

 

[stroke her]

Reaching the D2342 I sigh with relief...time to get moovin!

About 5km on I take a few foties. Fuck me I thought as I secured my phone back into nav mode...this road is rally baddly corrugated.

Some kilometers on the going gets rocky as well...still really corrugated.

By now my hands are really hurting. Te veel keyboard streel Van Rooyen...sagtebaard. Jou bleddie pissie.

I try and get the speed up and nearly hit a riverbed at 110km/h. Sun is directly behind me again and I do not see the flood damage in time.

Some bouncing ensued and my arsehole was chewing hole in my seat from puckering. Close call...pay attention idiot!

A few km on and my phone bounce from the cradle attaching it above the odo. Luckily it gets caught by the usb charging cradle attached to it. Phew...close call!!! All my photos are on there as well as my navigation.

It was hot...so I did not linger. I remounted the phone and made sure it is secure.

On the next badly corrugated piece of road I am pushing on at about 80km/h and then disaster struck.

The phone dislodged itself once again from the cradle but this time the cable neglected its duty at the lifesaver station.

Fuck

Luckily I noticed the phone jumping out that cradle so I slammed on the brakes and came to a grinding halt. An angry U turn later I keep my eyes peeled for the phone as I backtrack.

There you are.

I pick up the phone. I noticed that it got undressed and was not wearing its protective cover.

I flipped the phone around...no back cover or battery.

I look around...ah, there is the battery.

A few meters later the back cover and eventually the protective cover.

I reassemble the phone.

A little irritated...worried that my photos are lost for ever.

The trusty little Samsung starts up.

Fuck'

Screen is fuct...only the upper third reacts to touch. Rest is dead.

I cannot get the screen unlock code in as a result...

Double fuck.

I strip my moer right there on the D2342.

Fok die donnerse pad.

I saddle up and decide to head straight for Uis.

As I progress towards the Elephant Rock Campsite I notice so movement from my screen. It was bumpy corrugated going.

I reach the camp and as I pass it looks like they have a little shop.

I turn around hoping to get a Coke and a smoke.

Jammer meneer.

Ag fok.

Then the chap takes out the last Tafel in their freezer. I am saved As I sit there drinking the ice cold nectar a car pulls up with some holiday makers. They enquire about the road.

They wish to go see the Brandberg West Mine.

"Nee oom, die D2342 is in sy moer in. jy gaan net jou Renault opfok"

I bum a smoke from his daughter.

I inspect the wobbly screen on my bike.

Ag fok tog.

The screen seems to be loose.

Upon further inspection I see that the headlight stay (frame) that keeps up the headlight, odo and screen assembly is cracked nearly all the way through.

Tripple fuck.

I finish my beer and cautiously proceed the last 25km to Uis.

Arriving in Uis it is so hot I do not even bother to check the bike again. I go straight for fuel and then into the Suparette and grab a tall Coke from the fridge.

The coke was done by the time I reach the fridge...the lady scans the empty can and I get some smokes. Not my brand but better than nothing.

Back at the bike I inspect the headlight stay under that calm that besets a smoker freshly reunited with cigarettes.

The bloody headstay is cracked clean off...nothing except the cables of the headlights, indicators and odo is securing the headlight assembly to the bike.

P03s

The baby Ten looks at me with a tear in her eye: "Jy wil mos nie na my geluister het nie, ons moes by Ugab gebly het!"

Fokkit

Fok

Geen meer fotos...bike in sy moer in...en eks nou lekker moerig in die hitte.

I stand there for a few moments to try and think of what I should do. I struggle to formulate any logical reasoning...I blame heat and fatigue.

I do what most men would and succumb to my vices. Coffee and cigrettes at the restuarant.

Once a bit I order a sandwich and pull out my paper map.

Time for a rethink...Plan B soos hulle se.

Only problem is I only brought Plan A...as in fucking A lekka bike trip.

In my warped reasoning bringing a Plan B would jeopardise the likely success of Plan A.

I sat there...

 

[Vis Arend]

Your lucky fish, hoe gelukkig kan jy nie wees om daai renoster te kon sien nie.  Ek ry daai omgewing al vir jare en het nog nooit een gesien nie, nog net hulle k@k en spore.    atch: 

Jy kan jouself baie gelukkig ag.  Mooi man.  :thumleft: 

 

[armpump]

Sure is one of the better r/reports i have read.

:thumleft:

 

[Clockwork Orange]

Absolutely loving this report. Besides the amazing trip and route your writing has me constantly chukling :imaposer:

 

[stroke her]

Trust me...I am fully aware of how lucky I was with the rhino. It was the highlight for me of the trip.

Must be because I have been courting Lady Luck for years...gently seducing her little by little to succumb to my wicked ways. Well that is my version anyway...the missus always talks of me making my guardian angels work overtime. Well I pay my taxes...hulle kan maar werk soos die res van ons.

For those that wish to see a Black Rhino...well you just missed another as I think I just birthed one. Last night's red thai curry I made was made with a bit too much vigour...tasted bleddie lekka though. Dont worry...just ate the leftover curry so I suspect the next Rhino delivery around 5pm :ricky:

Dear VIEWER

As you only look at pictures you probably missed the part where the phone/camera saw its po3s.
I repeat it for your benefit: DIE FOON IS IN SY PO3S!!! :'( :angryfire: :BangHead: :useless:

No more foties for rest of this report I am afraid.

Adios dear Viewer, was nice having you along.

 

[stroke her]

Dear READER

Thank you for polluting your mind with my incoherent ramblings and for baring with me thus far.

Good news dear reader. As the public announcement was made that there will be no more foties a bit of a culling has taken place on this thread. I reckon we lost 80%. :thumleft:

From here on only reading...lovely easy reading with no annoying picture interuptions...where your imagination can paint the pictures for you.

You can choose your own medium of paint...oil, water...up to you. For newbies at reading feel free to use crayons...it will be tolerated. ot:

 

[Warren Ellwood]

I love the name of the report, and what an adventure.

Very nice, thank you for all the effort.

 

[stroke her]

Day 12: Boer maak n plan, n Porra maak 2 en die lafhart hardloopweg met sy stert tussen sy bene.

Well there I was...2 coffees in with the whole of Namibia sprawled infront of me on the paper map. Fuck Nam is a big place...it was covering the entire restuarant table!! I could not actually get myself to have a proper look. Man up Bimbo...I have a glance. Right where is Uis...I start looking at the southern part of Nam on the map. Geen Uis. Huh?

I look a bit further north...there you are. Then my heart sank when I realised exactly where I was in relation to the rest of Nam and civilisation. Fok my...middel van nerens.

I ordered another coffee...the gears in my mind still refusing to turn in any directlion remotely resembling a Plan B.

Lets go have a look again...perhaps its not that bad?

I walk over to Baby Ten who by now was skulking like an infant that was refused sweeties at a birthday party.

Me: "Kom nou, dis nie so erg nie"

Baby Ten: "Jou po3s man!"

I have a look again...yes as bad as before. Headlight frame stay is clean off.

Fok

I pull of one of the band-aids (tie strap) that was on my luggage bags. I affix the band-aid around the headlight fairing like a squeamish first year Med student dressing her first open fracture dressing at Tygerberg ER.

I give Baby Ten a little pat on the seat: "Daarsy, als beter"

Baby Ten does not even reply and carries on skulking.

I return for coffee #3. As the Caffeine Angel start her work of healing the gears in my head slowly start turning. Slowly.

Has my luck run out? Is dit nou genoeg?

I look over my planned route which involves Spitskoppe, Walvis, Sesriem, Aus and the C13 through Rosh-Pina and the Richtersveld park back to Vioolsdrif.

Now for any normal rider, myself included this alone would be a lekker trip filled with sightseeing, lekka roads, booze and good food.

Mmmm...I sat there. Seems a bit vanilla to me. Kaokoland has fed me her rich multilayered flavours for the past week. She wined and dined me with 5 star treatment and flavour that will make even that Pommy prick Ramsey stop swearing and shut up. My pallet has been altered...vanilla is not good enough anymore.

I look over my planned route again...No man. All that was staring back at me was McDonalds. And not even a Happy Meal :-\

The gears turned slowly..

And then in an instant...CLICK. Decision made.

I am going home. No point fucking up my bike or myself further on some vanilla flavoured jolly patrollie that I can come do over a long weekend.

We came, we saw...and we were conquered. Namibia (especially Kaokoland) has stolen my hart...I will be back.

I sat there...Plan B. B for bedonnered. Get back on tar asap...then down to Windhoek and then make a beeline for the border and N7 home. Done...sign me up.

Time to get out of Dodge.

Mmmm...how do I get out of Dodge? I look at the map again. Fuuuck me...its about 150km to Omaruru...then about 50km to Karibib. I enquired by the restuarant owner about road conditions to Karibib. "C36 is maar so so gravel...C33 suid na Karibib is nou geteer"

Plan B sorted. 150km gravel to Omaruru and then tar to Karibib. Then another 180km to Windhoek.

I just need to get somewhere safe before nightfall...and by safe I mean tar. It was about 3h30pm and it was hot.

 

[stroke her]

Day 12: Getting out of Dodge...and landing right back in it.

Saddle up..."Baby Ten I will be gentle...promise"

Baby Ten fires up like the Swiss Watch she is. When she heard Plan B she stopped her sulking and a look of steely determination beset her.

"I am your little pack mule...I will get you there"

Compared to the D2342 that was the cause of all this kak...the C36 felt like like a newly built Chinese highway.

I race the sunset...well I use the term race very loosely here. It was mostly 60-80km/h with the headlight assembly threatening to separate itself from this ill advised mission.

With about 50km to go to Omaruru the sun was getting quite low and I had to slow down at every bridge crossing an riverbed for fear of a koedoe or some critter making its appearance. I have by now accepted that my Gaurdian Angels have gone on strike...no point pushing my luck.

When my missus eventually agreed to this sole Nam mission I made her a promise. "Honey...if the trip starts pushing back I will back off" She knows how stubborn I can be.

As I am riding towards Omaruru I am content with my decision to go home. A promise is a promise after all. And it was not like I was bailing half fed...I have dined on Namibia's rarest and finest (people and places) almost to a point of indigestion.

I reach Omaruru and tar with about 30mins daylight to go. Quick roadside smoke and then I gun it for Karibib.

Visions of a soft bed, warms shower and a warm meal that someone else prepared started filling my mind. Now those that know me know I am as tight as a nun's c8nt when it comes to money...at this stage however I could not care. I was going to book into a hotel dammit!!!

I arrived in Karibib just as the sun sets. Mmmm...weird. Not the hamlet I was hoping for. More like a fuelstation catering mainly for trucking. Omaruru definately had more charm. I was out of daylight and with the headlight strapped up I did not have lights. So this is where you will get to today Van Rooyen...beggers can't be choosers.

I look around and spot Tommy's Lodge right next to the Engen. Mmmm....convenient :thumleft:

I ring the bell at reception. 5 mins later some dude comes and unlocks the gate. They are fairly full but I secure Room 6 in the backpackers section. I pay for the room and take my bike around to park it behind a locked gate. Yes in all of Namibia this was the only town I felt the need for a locked gate.

Now I did not inspect the room yet...the lady brings the key and shows me around. What a fucking dive!!! No really...it was bad. It was probably quite charming 30 years ago but it was delapitated and filled mostly with truckers, construction crew etc. Rough around the edges...the establishment and the patrons (me included ). I did not care...I was tired and hungry...the epic that was today started to settle in and my energy levels drop.

I enquire about dinner...Yes Yes they have a restuarant. I was sceptical but go and check out the menu.

The staff was very friendly. We joked around and then they fetched the chef.

Out walks Gordon Ramsey...he better fucking be. I was starving.

Mr Chef speaks very little English...we somehow settle on a Rump Steak with Baked potato...mostly cause it was the only thing he seemed keen on making.

Rewind back to dinner with Swiss Thomas and his guide Owen at Opopu Falls Lodge. Owen orders steak. Waiter asks him how he wants it done..."African" he replies. Thomas and I raise our eyebrows. Huh? Owen looks at us with that look guides spare specifically for idiot tourists: "Well done" the explanation.

Fast Foward back to the Chef at Karibib. I explain to Mr Chef that if he brings me the steak "African" that I will klap him with it. We laugh and then a complicated discussion ensues where I try and confirm that he understood my instruction of Bleu/Rare. He was  insisted Medium Rare is more rare...lots of laughs were had.

Dinner is set for 7h30pm and I go and take a shower so long...well it was more like a dribble. The fascilities was in dire need of refurbishment.

Then dinner. The much debated steak arrives...with what looked like hash browns. The baked potato must have lost the fight as it was nowhere in sight. No worries I luv hashbrowns.

Rump steak my arse...more like some tarentaal or dassie they scraped of the road late afternoon!!

But I was hungry and Mr Chef understood one thing and one thing well...Bleu is Bleu. The steak moooed once before I devoured it.

Then some men in overalls arrived and started a braai...their accents was Cape (coloured) so I struck up conversation. Ja hulle is vannie Kaap. Werk op die myn besig met swaarstroom bedrading. Karibib has a mine?! Ja boet...Karibib het n myn!

Some stogies later and off to bed...no not bed...

At my lofty 6'4" I could simply not fit in the bunkbeds. Matras oppie vloer...I drift off. Tomorrow is going to be a looooong day.

 

[scott]

such a great report. Well done, sounds like an epic trip so far!!

 

[Slim Jim]

:thumleft: who needs pics when you can write like that!!!!!! if you wrote a book I'll buy them , awsome ,awsome ...awsome , cant wait for the next episode

 

[Rickus]

Baie lekker RR.....ek lees hom aandagtig, want ek ry presies dieselfde roete oor n maand.....ons ry net van Hentiesbaai af....kan ek jou PM oor die petrol en slaap plek situasie asb ?

 

[Crossed-up]

Again I say you write lekker. Loving it!

 

[Oubones]

:thumleft: who needs pics when you can write like that!!!!!! if you wrote a book I'll buy them , awsome ,awsome ...awsome , cant wait for the next episode

This is really a make you get and go RR! :thumleft:

 

[NoRush]

Stroke Her, lekker RR. Nam is definitely on my long term bucket list. Maybe i get to do it after kids leave the house BUT it will be done.
You have a lekker way of writing.  :thumleft:

 

[2StrokeDan]

Your instrument cradle has been welded, and it's waiting with coffee.

 

[Oubones]

Stroke Her, lekker RR. Nam is definitely on my long term bucket list. Maybe i get to do it after kids leave the house BUT it will be done.
You have a lekker way of writing.  :thumleft:

When are your kids leaving school? ot:
I want to go, but do not know when I will ever get enough time off!